catching up

I havn't posted in far too long. Catching up is going to take a while. But I have a few things to share. I am back at work! Not full time still, and currently I must admit I am having a hard day. But I should feel better later today, I was expecting today to be hard. But most days, I am at work, for 4 hours or more at a time. A big accomplishment for me. I am even venturing out to have fun outside of my house these days. Shopping trips (not always only to grocery stores! though, being the one to do feed the family of 9, I really do a lott of grocery shopping). I go swimming fairly often. I have taken up yoga, which I am honestly in love with and now can't imagine going a day without because it makes me feel so good. My diet is now well balanced, and I can eat more food. I am off of gluten, and try not to have too much sugar or dairy, but otherwise, my diet is normal. I can even do social eating now! It's pretty wonderful to be able to go to a work meeting and be able to eat with everyone else... even if I'm not eating all of the same things. They were having burgers and chicken sandwiches, and i just had the grilled chicken with lettuce, and some corn chex I had brought to snack on. But the important thing was, I was eating, with friends, and not shying away.
The specialists test results came back. Basically, it said this is something I'll be dealing with for the long haul. But I can overcome it for the most part. I just have to take life a little bit slower than I used to. But through diet and excercize I can life a long, happy, full life. But I cannot let the stress get to me, because thats what ended up bringing me down in the first place. So the next step is therapy, and lots of relaxation and meditation techniques, till I learn to relax and take it easy. Also, I just gotta keep doing what I'm doing, pushing myself a little more each day to be a little better than I was the last.
It has been a fight inside my head, as I realized everything that was happening was strictly anxiety attacks. The gluten was just a trigger. I have to fight the battle thats going on inside of my brain. There is no miracle pill, there is no one magic thing that is going to cure me. Only I can cure me, with a lott of help from Heavenly Father, and my amazing family and friends who have stuck with me. Every day I prove to myself that I can improve. Even if that day is harder, I play the piano, I read, I sew, I sing, I work, I do anything I can to make myself a better person and bring the happiness and light into my life, and everyones life around me. And everyday, that light grows brighter, I get stronger, I understand more. I am ready to take on the challenges I will face at college.
Ok, well that pretty much catches things up till now. I will probably go more in depth about certain things later.

Menu time

So last night I spent quite some time avoiding sleep and making myself a menu so that I know what to eat each day. As I have to eat 5 meals a day it is not the easiest of tasks to make an eating schedule which provides variety and fits my diet. But without planning, there is not even hope of having that variety I crave. I am going to continue planning like this every few days as I figure out what is in the kitchen that I have to work with, and so I can get what I need at the grocery store easily. And knowing whats in season in our little backyard garden is great too :) I truly cannot wait to try the homegrown cucumbers. They are looking delicious now! So are the tomatos! well, the ones that the squirrels havn't gotten into :P gonna have to put up some chickenwire to keep them out. My dad is such a good gardener, I love getting so much of my food homegrown.

Today I discovered quinoa!(pronounced keen-wa) It's the highest protein grain, so in small amounts I can have it with my meals. It tasted like a combination of cream of wheat and oatmeal the way I had it... Surprisingly delicious with 5 drops of stevia. Added just the right amount of carbs and sweetness to balance out the rest of the meal. I thought I'd put in this next few days meal plan, so you can see how and what I eat. I try to make it varied so that my body doesn't start attacking anything I'm eating. So far, it's working. Which with my body in as weak of a state as it has been this summer, is miraculous. Once I start reacting to one thing I often start reacting to everything for a little bit till my body goes back to relatively normal.
Last night I had a small piece of xocai dark chocolate, basically as healthy as you can get when having chocolate. I immediately craved salt, which means this diet is actually working right. There is hope that in a couple months my diet can start including fruit and some grains again :) as long as its balanced with the protein and vegetables.
One thing I am loving, is feeling like I actually know how to cook. I used to feel pretty useless in the kitchen, I only knew how to cook bacon, eggs, and pancakes. I could cook a few other select meals, but not easily. Now, out of necessity, I have learned what I am doing. I can cook all sorts of meats and vegetables in tons of different ways. It feels good knowing I can take care of myself, and future family, in that way. Though, my poor future family will be forced to eat very healthfully seeing as thats the only way I know how to cook. At least it all tastes good :)

Heres my menu for today through Thursday-

Monday-

Breakfast- Quinoa with 5 drops stevia, 3 pieces of bacon, two slices of cheese, and cucumber slices

Lunch- Baked sweet potato with sour cream salt and pepper, and tilapia with lemon

Midafternoon meal- if at work, reheat shrimp and celery slices (kyles recipe), with cream cheese,  and sunflower seeds and veggie chips for after if still hungry

Dinner- pork chops and fresh green beans with lemon

Nighttime meal- lunch meat roll ups with hummus, zucchini slices, and mustard

Tuesday

Breakfast- breakfast steak and 2 eggs, half of the sweet potato fried, and cucumber slices

Lunch- shaved asparagus salad, and avocado, with honey mustard dressing, pepper and lemon, and lemon pepper baked chicken

Midafternoon meal- quinoa mixed with ham, spices, a hard boiled egg, celery, and radish, and iceberg lettuce. With dressing on the side.

Dinner- grilled flounder with salad

Nighttime meal- 2^nd half of sweet potato with sour cream, 5 smoked turkey slices, carrots

Wednesday-

Breakfast- cottage cheese, 3 pieces turkey bacon,

Lunch- grilled zucchini and lemon pepper chicken (from day before) 2 slices of cheese

Midafternoon meal-cucumber slices, reheat shrimp and celery (kyles recipe)

Dinner- whatever mom decides to make

Nighttime meal- chocolate, lunch meat roll ups with mustard,  cream cheese, and squash slices

Thursday-

Breakfast- hard boiled egg, 2 pieces of turkey bacon, cucumber slices, sunflower seeds and chobani plain yogurt

Lunch- fajita steak, salad, sweet potato fries

Midafternoon meal-sunflower seeds, veggie chips with cream cheese, lunch meat, shrimp if still hungry.

Dinner- chicken and green beans (canned)

Nighttime meal- hummus, cucumber, turkey

I'll have kyle's shrimp recipe up here soon, because it is amazing! It's now a staple meal in my cookbook.

Healthy Eating

It's amazing what a big difference a few days can make. I was told I needed to start a new diet by my naturalist doctor. Apparently my blood sugar levels were way off, I have too much insulin in my system. So now I am on a no grains and no sugar diet. The first few days of it I honestly thought I was going to die. But now that I have learned to cook, and what times to eat I actually feel better than I have in a long time. I'm starting to feel more like myself again.

I'm starting to really enjoy cooking. It's relaxing. I get to be creative, and enjoy my creation after :) pretty good deal if you ask me. Today for breakfast I had some Chobani brand plain yogurt (a household favorite) with cucumber slices, some lowfat turkey bacon, and sunflower seeds. I loved it :) i liked it without any sweetener, but others might prefer it with some agave nectar to make it taste sweet. For lunch I decided to try a shaved asparagus salad, I used a vegetable peeler to shave the asparagus, and then added some radish, and topped it off with some lemon juice, honey mustard dressing, and salt and pepper. Then for protein I added some hard boiled eggs. This weekend has just been chock full of delicious and healthy meals. :) I am starting to appreciate all the unprocessed foods so much more, seeing as they are pretty much the only things that don't make me worse off. I am really learning the joy that can be brought to my life by good healthy food. I will post more about this tomorrow.

Yep, I've got POTS

One of these days, i am going to make it through all 3 hours of church without my heart spazzing out and then passing out. Passing out in public is rather embarrassing. Though I have perfected knowing when it's coming and making it look like I simply fell asleep sitting down. What really happens most times though, is a sudden bout of nausea followed by my heart beating far too fast, losing feeling in my left arm, and then extreme dizziness and getting short of breath with a possibility of ending in a complete faint. It is generally caused by my body deciding to react to some food I ate. Today, it was butter. My body said "oh I am stressed, lets see what she ate today... ohh lets make butter make her sick now! All that lovely fat! Now to be eliminated from her diet!" Yeah, pretty sure my body has it out for me sometimes. I will be forced into a healthy diet. I will dearly miss butter. But it is looking hopeful that at some point in time, through healing my body, I will be able to return to a fairly normal diet. I plan on being gluten free and mostly healthy my whole life, but someday I would like to be able to eat peanut butter again. and Almonds. Some things that I adore but have been necessary to erradicate from my diet.

I'm a mess today. I want to eat a whole package of bacon (the only comfort food I can eat today) and watch chick flicks, and pout. I want to, but I won't. What I will do is make myself a fruit salad, put on an Audrey Hepburn movie, give myself a pedicure and think myself out of depression. I will not let my illness take over. Even though it would be so much easier sometimes. Depression is a hard thing to deal with. The irrational thoughts. Feeling overwhelmed and out of control. At least I have finally accepted that it is part of my life, and found ways to fight it. It used to be that I NEEDED a guy to tell me I'm pretty and hold me till I felt better. I needed to feel like someone cared and loved me. And they needed to be physically there. Now I can stare at myself in a mirror and tell myself that I do not need a guy to make me feel beautiful. I am stronger than that. This is a daily process. Some days I lose. Most days, I win. The thoughts of "I'm ugly" "I'm not a good person" "How could anyone love me?" are starting to discippate. I am able to change my thought processes now. Now there is one thought "God loves me. I am strong enough." I have to say this to myself all the time, but it keeps me going. It keeps me believing that I will Beat this. I can do what I need  to do.

There have been so many people put into my life to help me get through this, my family especially. I was lucky to even find out from a friends comment what the illness I have is. So many people have POTs and the doctors just tell them that it must be in their head because all testing comes up completely clean. But I have the opportunity in a couple weeks to go to a specialist who studies this. I can get help and be fine. Most people just suffer for years, like my mom did, without any answers. 2 years of the wrong answers was enough to push me over the edge, my mom had 30. I'm just grateful I was given help.

Fruitylicious

Today was an absolutely wonderful day. A lady at work gave me a list of food to buy and a tonn of good recipes and tips! She has two kids who have celiac, so shes pretty much a pro at cooking gluten free.

Theres a lot more food I can eat than I realized. Now that I am feeling better and can eat sugar and some foods that are not just meats and salad, I am beginning to see just how many options I have.

Today I had pie (minus the crust), and ice cream (sadly, Bluebell has gluten. But the kroger brand has some excellent flavors to make me feel better about that loss.) and dr pepper! Probably not the most healthy combination, but oh my did it taste good. I think the weeks of sugar deprivation made me overdo a little. I'll cut back again tomorrow. But today was a day of celebrating.

Ironically the cause of my happiness and celebration was actually because all of my favorite fruits are in season and on sale at Kroger! I obtained rasberries, blackberries, strawberries, bananas, peaches, mangos, and a pineapple! Life is good to me. Tomorrow is gonna be a fruit salad day for sure. I really really love fruit. I could not stop smiling when i saw all of that delicious juicy looking fruit on sale. There is NOTHING better than a warm summer evening, and a bowl of perfect rasberries. My taste buds are still dancing for joy.

Tomorrow night I think I am going to attempt making breaded chicken fingers! I'm pretty dang excited.

I'm currently on a mission to find protein bars that don't make me sick. An incredible feat when you have to avoid gluten and peanuts. But so far have found some good prospects in a few Larabars (made with 7 ingredients or less! I love that.) a couple ThinkThin bars, and one type of Zone perfect bar. Crossing my fingers that I stay healthy!

Goals

My goals and dreams in life have changed a lot as my life has changed. When I was little, I only wanted to be a princess. When I got a little bit older I wanted to be a supreme court judge. I went through dreams of being a nurse, a psychologist, a scientist, a model. Now I want to be in marketing, I want to work in New York for a short time, and then move back to my beloved Texas. I want to get married to a great guy, have children, devote my life to helping people, live on a small farm thats not too far from the city with my family. I want to cook food that I grew in my own garden, I want milk from my own cow, eggs straight from the chicken coop. I want a simple, but beautiful life. I want love and laughter.
I want so many wonderful things in my life. I want to run marathons (an incredible feat to go from not being able to run without getting sick, to being able to run that many miles). I want to see the world. I want to own my own clothing store, and make tons of beautiful designs. I want to have food storage, but gluten free. I want to teach others how to live healthy and full lives while have chronic illness. But as it is, I am still learning to manage my own illness, and learn to cook, and get through school (still working on getting accepted to the business program), and live every day. Just focusing on how best to get through each day and get the most good accomplished.

Each day is a new challenge to go through, and each day has wonderful rewards for making it through the rough patches. Today, I learned I need to avoid peanuts for awhile. Possibly years. Possibly my life. But, with the pain it caused, it also helped renew my resolve. I managed to make it through work despite the nausea. I did it. I accomplished my goal. I was rewarded with another project to work on :) I always love new projects. And I LOVE that I get to put all my computer skills I learned in class to a good use! It's amazing how useful all my classes are becoming now that I am getting into the real world. I'm suddenly very grateful for all those years of spanish, and other assorted classes that I really hadn't thought of as very useful up till this point. Much thanks to my mama for pushing me to take some good classes.

I give myself goals each day, and each week. I track my progress. Some goals are easier than others. Reading my scriptures everyday, for example, is one of my easier goals. I love reading scriptures, soaking in the truth and light that the pages contain. While working out every day, is nearly impossible for me now. Hard workouts just make my condition worse. I have to watch it, and just tone my legs. But I know, through hard work and determination, I will always make it to all of my goals.
This weeks goal is a study on faith. I have this book I asked to get for Christmas called lectures on faith. It contains the 7 lectures Joseph Smith gave on faith. I've been trying to read excerpts daily. They are excellent lectures.
My secondary goal is to learn more about my gluten free diet and how to add variety, and have fast and simple recipes to make when I'm at college. So far, I have made a mac n cheese bake that was just wonderful :) I think that after a little getting used to, I am truly going to love this diet. It will change my life into something new and unexpected, and better than I thought it would be.

Sunflowers

Today I was very excited. I was excited because for the first time in over two weeks I was able to go to work (for a half day), I was able to drive myself, and I was able to eat. It's amazing how much I've taken for granted my whole life. Water tastes incredible, it's sweet! An orange is like candy to my tastebuds. And I went to Walmart and bought Tangled today. :) Yes, I live a charmed life.
After two weeks of being completely bedridden, I have been set free. Being able to move, to breath, to go wherever I want to go! I wish that I could hold onto this feeling. It's like getting to drive by myself for the first time with a license. Like entering my college dorm room for the first time. It's the feeling I get almost every day when I open my eyes and realize it's a new day. I love this feeling. This feeling of newness, of restored life, of hopes and dreams. I live for this. I live for these small moments in time. Moments of pure joy and freedom.
My life is nowhere near perfect. Sometimes its downright hard. But days like these keep me going. They drive me to try new things, to explore, and to Live.
Living, is not simply being in existence. Living is drinking up the moments that make everything we have to go through in life worth it. I Live when I see my baby niece's smile. I Live when I lose my directions and get lost. And today I Lived by seeing my sunflowers all bloom on the same day. It's the small and simple things that make all the difference.
Sunflowers have always been my favorite flower. They are big and bright, and always point so that they can see the sun, and drink up the rays. It's always a reminder to me to always look to God, and take the scriptures to heart. The rain, the hard parts of life, come, and it is hard to see God. But the rain makes me stronger, and then I can be bigger and brighter than ever was possible before.
That is just one of my many thoughts I had growing up among the sunflowers. I may write more about them later. But for now, a random list of some of my favorite things :)

Anna's Most FavoriteThings In The World-
-Giraffes
-Sunflowers
-Music
-Love
-My Friends (Who are practically family)
-My Family (Who are also in the best friends category)
-Chick Flicks
-Chocolate
-Whichever fruit is in season
-Water, drinking it, swimming in it, watching it rain etc.
-My cell phone named Brutus
-Puggle Puppies (and all other puppies) (and I call all dogs puppies regardless of age, no discrimenation!)
-Victoria's Secret "get free underwear!" coupons
-Coupons in general
-NEVER paying full price unless absolutely necessary
-Lipgloss and mints
-Milk
-Eating more food in a meal than most grown men can consume and still remaining a size 2
-Basketball
-Salsa Dancing
and most importantly
-Books!

Fears

Sometimes life is nothing like you expected it to be. Sometimes your greatest loves can become your worst fears, and your worst fears can become your greatest loves. Sort of like how I used to be terrified of roller coasters, and then I tried one of the big ones, and it was incredible, I was so in love with that thrilling feeling. But most of all, when your worst fears become your reality, that is when life is the hardest.
Sometimes though, your worst fears are good for you. I was so afraid of this illness. Terrified. I was afraid of the changes in my life. I was afraid of chaos and disorder. Everything hits all at once sometimes and it seems more than I can bear. Tonight changed all of that.
We have this family friend, he is a healer. He teaches ways to focus energy, and change bad to good, and let all of the bad energy go back into the Earth, because the Earth can handle it.
Today I had been in so much pain that I could barely move. After I had worked through the energy, there was no pain. Only some soreness. I am learning to feel the energy in my body. I am learning what I can do to relieve stress. With practice, I can help my body get through this much better. I will stop living confined to a bed, too scared to try and get better. I will make this world better and face everything head on.

Depression

Before two years ago, when this illness began, I hardly ever cried. I always knew, even if things were bad that they would get better. They always had before. Nothing could possibly go wrong long enough to phase me. I thought I was invincible.
That illness has changed my life, in more ways than I thought possible. It was horribly depressing even thinking about not going to dances or hanging out with friends, because my body said no. I have always had the personality that tells me to just push on, my adrenaline will keep me going! But what happens when you have no adrenaline left? I kept thinking that my body hated me. But the worst change, was what it did to my brain. The depression I have felt was, and still is, crippling.
Going through two very full semesters of college feeling like I could barely get out of bed, was awful. I used to wait for my roomates to leave, or go to sleep, so that I could just cry without anyone knowing. I didn't want anyone to know what I was going through, because I didn't even understand what I was going through myself. I had no idea why I was suddenly feeling this way, and I had no idea how to make it stop. Without the help of my wonderful best friend throughout the second semester, I'm not sure whether I would have stayed at school.
I thought I was getting better for awhile, I thought I could get through this on my own. But I couldn't. I can't.
I'm going to go see a specialist who deals with POTs all the time. I figure that if I put in every effort I can, by making my life healthy and going to get medications that will help get rid of the symptoms, I can get through this. God will take care of whatever I can't.
As much as this illness has hurt me, the depression, the physical pain, the cramps, and the exhaustion, I know that what I've learned has helped me so much, and been worth all this. I have learned humility, patience, understanding, true love, compassion, and to trust others, and trust God. I know that everything I am learning are things that will help me so much throughout my whole life. I will be able to accomplish my goals, and help people. I cherish every single day that I am able to get out of bed and do anything. I hope I always feel that way, even when I am completely well again. I hope I never lose my newfound perspective, and my love of life.

Going Gluten Free!

Today I talked to one of my good friends who also has P.O.T.'s and I found out some of the ways she has been coping, and what I should do to improve my health. I have decided that since nausea is one of my major complaints, that I am going to go on a completely gluten free diet. I'm pretty excited about this decision. I don't want to just replace the flour and have everything the same as it was before. I want to take this as an opportunity to really get healthy, and acquaint myself with the goodness and healing powers of vegetables.


After a week of being pretty much down and out, today I perked up. Yesterday I managed to eat some real food (after a stint at the hospital to stop being dehydrated and having some more tests done). It's been scrambled eggs and ham, fruit, salad ever since. and for tonight's dinner I was feeling ambitious and decided to try out grilled salmon! It was delicious! I never knew that salmon could taste that good. I am absolutely enthralled by the idea of eating healthily, and learning to cook.

Another thing I am now working on is exercising every single day, no matter how I feel. I am going to mostly focus on legs and back and do things that help make me stronger and have more stamina with my condition. With pots, your blood goes down in to your legs and doesn't circulate as well when you stand up, when you have more toned and muscular legs, it slows the process so you are able to stand longer.

My goals for this summer include-
Being the healthiest and strongest as is possible, to be able to have the most good days I can.
To learn to cook easy and healthy meals
To learn how to snack healthily, and have things that I can eat between classes at college
To read a new book each week
To excel at my internship (which I LOVE)
To learn how to de-stress
To become closer to Heavenly Father, and become more active in church
To look fabulous :) (frivolous, but true)
And lastly, to have fun adventures!
(And several others I am sure I'm forgetting)

A Charmed Life- A story of hope

When I first came up with the idea of doing a blog, I wanted to write about my many wonderful adventures as I had them. I have always lived something of a charmed life. Everything just always works out better than I could have hoped for. A few years ago one of my friends began to refer to me as bubble girl, because it seemed like I lived in my own little perfect world, and everything was always roses and butterflies.
Then, two years ago, I got sick. Very sick. I thought after six months of terrible mono, that it was over. But the tiredness and overwhelmed feelings continued. I began to shy away from the situations that used to sustain me. I became afraid, depressed, and constantly tired. I worked hard to push through. I would not let my tiredness get in the way of having fun. I had such a strong will, and a strong support group of friends who I could always rely on, which made life manageable. Then some things happened, a chain of events I couldn't reverse. I got ovarian cysts. Someone I trusted hurt me bad. I also knew I was leaving for college soon. I became reclusive, and even more exhausted than before.Through a lot of work, medication for the cyst, and good friends, I was able to move forward and act more like myself again by the end of the summer. I started college strong.

The second week of college I ended up in the hospital for the second time, the cyst problem had returned. The pain was excrutiating. I ended up in bed most of the time. Along with it was the worse realization that I suddenly was too overwhelmed to make it to many of my classes. I tried to hide it. All of it. The almost everyday breakdowns, the fact that I was stuck in bed, the fact that unless I had several painkillers I couldn't even hope to attend my classes. I still managed to have fun. I found ways that I was ok. I managed to get decent grades. I made some friends. I pretended like everything was ok.
Second semester of college was better. The pain was less. And then I became best friends with one of the most amazing people I know. He helped to make everything better. He was my stability. I knew he'd be there no matter what. Things got progressively better.
The summer began, i thought that it was going to be perfect. I landed the most amazing internship, and everything was looking up.
Then the panic attacks started. The nausea became worse than it had ever been. The pain worsened. I got short of breath. It felt like I was doing a cardio workout, but all I'd been doing was standing for a few minutes, or sometimes even just sitting up. For the past week, anything but laying down and sleeping about half the time, has just not been an option. The doctors have been doing all kinds of tests on me. But they havn't told me any results yet. Then the other day, I was talking to a good friend from work, because I was missing our daily lunch group for the 3rd time. She asked what was going on and I explained some of the symptoms. She then told me that I should look into pots syndrome (postural orthostatic tachycardia syndrome) she had a sister who was getting treated for it for free at a place that is studying it.
I began to read up on pots, and realized that not only was I 99% sure this is what I have, but my mom has lived for 30 years with pots. She has managed to push through, and so will I. Her life gives me hope. People have thought she was lazy or that most of the illness was in her head, because no doctor could figure it out. But this is real. Pots is a real disease that many people suffer from, but many doctors know nothing about. It has only been fairly well known what it is for 10 or 15 years.

I have pots. But I will get better. My God is a God of miracles, and I know that with Him, all things are possible. I can beat this. I am not alone in my fight. I have my family, my adopted sister, my friends, good people who have been going through pots themselves who are always willing to talk and help me, and I have my God. I will get better. I will be able to live a normal life. Getting to the point I want to be at will not be easy, or short. But it will be worth it. Life is about the journey, and sick or not, I plan to make it a great one.