When I first came up with the idea of doing a blog, I wanted to write about my many wonderful adventures as I had them. I have always lived something of a charmed life. Everything just always works out better than I could have hoped for. A few years ago one of my friends began to refer to me as bubble girl, because it seemed like I lived in my own little perfect world, and everything was always roses and butterflies.
Then, two years ago, I got sick. Very sick. I thought after six months of terrible mono, that it was over. But the tiredness and overwhelmed feelings continued. I began to shy away from the situations that used to sustain me. I became afraid, depressed, and constantly tired. I worked hard to push through. I would not let my tiredness get in the way of having fun. I had such a strong will, and a strong support group of friends who I could always rely on, which made life manageable. Then some things happened, a chain of events I couldn't reverse. I got ovarian cysts. Someone I trusted hurt me bad. I also knew I was leaving for college soon. I became reclusive, and even more exhausted than before.Through a lot of work, medication for the cyst, and good friends, I was able to move forward and act more like myself again by the end of the summer. I started college strong.
The second week of college I ended up in the hospital for the second time, the cyst problem had returned. The pain was excrutiating. I ended up in bed most of the time. Along with it was the worse realization that I suddenly was too overwhelmed to make it to many of my classes. I tried to hide it. All of it. The almost everyday breakdowns, the fact that I was stuck in bed, the fact that unless I had several painkillers I couldn't even hope to attend my classes. I still managed to have fun. I found ways that I was ok. I managed to get decent grades. I made some friends. I pretended like everything was ok.
Second semester of college was better. The pain was less. And then I became best friends with one of the most amazing people I know. He helped to make everything better. He was my stability. I knew he'd be there no matter what. Things got progressively better.
The summer began, i thought that it was going to be perfect. I landed the most amazing internship, and everything was looking up.
Then the panic attacks started. The nausea became worse than it had ever been. The pain worsened. I got short of breath. It felt like I was doing a cardio workout, but all I'd been doing was standing for a few minutes, or sometimes even just sitting up. For the past week, anything but laying down and sleeping about half the time, has just not been an option. The doctors have been doing all kinds of tests on me. But they havn't told me any results yet. Then the other day, I was talking to a good friend from work, because I was missing our daily lunch group for the 3rd time. She asked what was going on and I explained some of the symptoms. She then told me that I should look into pots syndrome (postural orthostatic tachycardia syndrome) she had a sister who was getting treated for it for free at a place that is studying it.
I began to read up on pots, and realized that not only was I 99% sure this is what I have, but my mom has lived for 30 years with pots. She has managed to push through, and so will I. Her life gives me hope. People have thought she was lazy or that most of the illness was in her head, because no doctor could figure it out. But this is real. Pots is a real disease that many people suffer from, but many doctors know nothing about. It has only been fairly well known what it is for 10 or 15 years.
I have pots. But I will get better. My God is a God of miracles, and I know that with Him, all things are possible. I can beat this. I am not alone in my fight. I have my family, my adopted sister, my friends, good people who have been going through pots themselves who are always willing to talk and help me, and I have my God. I will get better. I will be able to live a normal life. Getting to the point I want to be at will not be easy, or short. But it will be worth it. Life is about the journey, and sick or not, I plan to make it a great one.
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