Fears

Sometimes life is nothing like you expected it to be. Sometimes your greatest loves can become your worst fears, and your worst fears can become your greatest loves. Sort of like how I used to be terrified of roller coasters, and then I tried one of the big ones, and it was incredible, I was so in love with that thrilling feeling. But most of all, when your worst fears become your reality, that is when life is the hardest.
Sometimes though, your worst fears are good for you. I was so afraid of this illness. Terrified. I was afraid of the changes in my life. I was afraid of chaos and disorder. Everything hits all at once sometimes and it seems more than I can bear. Tonight changed all of that.
We have this family friend, he is a healer. He teaches ways to focus energy, and change bad to good, and let all of the bad energy go back into the Earth, because the Earth can handle it.
Today I had been in so much pain that I could barely move. After I had worked through the energy, there was no pain. Only some soreness. I am learning to feel the energy in my body. I am learning what I can do to relieve stress. With practice, I can help my body get through this much better. I will stop living confined to a bed, too scared to try and get better. I will make this world better and face everything head on.

Depression

Before two years ago, when this illness began, I hardly ever cried. I always knew, even if things were bad that they would get better. They always had before. Nothing could possibly go wrong long enough to phase me. I thought I was invincible.
That illness has changed my life, in more ways than I thought possible. It was horribly depressing even thinking about not going to dances or hanging out with friends, because my body said no. I have always had the personality that tells me to just push on, my adrenaline will keep me going! But what happens when you have no adrenaline left? I kept thinking that my body hated me. But the worst change, was what it did to my brain. The depression I have felt was, and still is, crippling.
Going through two very full semesters of college feeling like I could barely get out of bed, was awful. I used to wait for my roomates to leave, or go to sleep, so that I could just cry without anyone knowing. I didn't want anyone to know what I was going through, because I didn't even understand what I was going through myself. I had no idea why I was suddenly feeling this way, and I had no idea how to make it stop. Without the help of my wonderful best friend throughout the second semester, I'm not sure whether I would have stayed at school.
I thought I was getting better for awhile, I thought I could get through this on my own. But I couldn't. I can't.
I'm going to go see a specialist who deals with POTs all the time. I figure that if I put in every effort I can, by making my life healthy and going to get medications that will help get rid of the symptoms, I can get through this. God will take care of whatever I can't.
As much as this illness has hurt me, the depression, the physical pain, the cramps, and the exhaustion, I know that what I've learned has helped me so much, and been worth all this. I have learned humility, patience, understanding, true love, compassion, and to trust others, and trust God. I know that everything I am learning are things that will help me so much throughout my whole life. I will be able to accomplish my goals, and help people. I cherish every single day that I am able to get out of bed and do anything. I hope I always feel that way, even when I am completely well again. I hope I never lose my newfound perspective, and my love of life.

Going Gluten Free!

Today I talked to one of my good friends who also has P.O.T.'s and I found out some of the ways she has been coping, and what I should do to improve my health. I have decided that since nausea is one of my major complaints, that I am going to go on a completely gluten free diet. I'm pretty excited about this decision. I don't want to just replace the flour and have everything the same as it was before. I want to take this as an opportunity to really get healthy, and acquaint myself with the goodness and healing powers of vegetables.


After a week of being pretty much down and out, today I perked up. Yesterday I managed to eat some real food (after a stint at the hospital to stop being dehydrated and having some more tests done). It's been scrambled eggs and ham, fruit, salad ever since. and for tonight's dinner I was feeling ambitious and decided to try out grilled salmon! It was delicious! I never knew that salmon could taste that good. I am absolutely enthralled by the idea of eating healthily, and learning to cook.

Another thing I am now working on is exercising every single day, no matter how I feel. I am going to mostly focus on legs and back and do things that help make me stronger and have more stamina with my condition. With pots, your blood goes down in to your legs and doesn't circulate as well when you stand up, when you have more toned and muscular legs, it slows the process so you are able to stand longer.

My goals for this summer include-
Being the healthiest and strongest as is possible, to be able to have the most good days I can.
To learn to cook easy and healthy meals
To learn how to snack healthily, and have things that I can eat between classes at college
To read a new book each week
To excel at my internship (which I LOVE)
To learn how to de-stress
To become closer to Heavenly Father, and become more active in church
To look fabulous :) (frivolous, but true)
And lastly, to have fun adventures!
(And several others I am sure I'm forgetting)

A Charmed Life- A story of hope

When I first came up with the idea of doing a blog, I wanted to write about my many wonderful adventures as I had them. I have always lived something of a charmed life. Everything just always works out better than I could have hoped for. A few years ago one of my friends began to refer to me as bubble girl, because it seemed like I lived in my own little perfect world, and everything was always roses and butterflies.
Then, two years ago, I got sick. Very sick. I thought after six months of terrible mono, that it was over. But the tiredness and overwhelmed feelings continued. I began to shy away from the situations that used to sustain me. I became afraid, depressed, and constantly tired. I worked hard to push through. I would not let my tiredness get in the way of having fun. I had such a strong will, and a strong support group of friends who I could always rely on, which made life manageable. Then some things happened, a chain of events I couldn't reverse. I got ovarian cysts. Someone I trusted hurt me bad. I also knew I was leaving for college soon. I became reclusive, and even more exhausted than before.Through a lot of work, medication for the cyst, and good friends, I was able to move forward and act more like myself again by the end of the summer. I started college strong.

The second week of college I ended up in the hospital for the second time, the cyst problem had returned. The pain was excrutiating. I ended up in bed most of the time. Along with it was the worse realization that I suddenly was too overwhelmed to make it to many of my classes. I tried to hide it. All of it. The almost everyday breakdowns, the fact that I was stuck in bed, the fact that unless I had several painkillers I couldn't even hope to attend my classes. I still managed to have fun. I found ways that I was ok. I managed to get decent grades. I made some friends. I pretended like everything was ok.
Second semester of college was better. The pain was less. And then I became best friends with one of the most amazing people I know. He helped to make everything better. He was my stability. I knew he'd be there no matter what. Things got progressively better.
The summer began, i thought that it was going to be perfect. I landed the most amazing internship, and everything was looking up.
Then the panic attacks started. The nausea became worse than it had ever been. The pain worsened. I got short of breath. It felt like I was doing a cardio workout, but all I'd been doing was standing for a few minutes, or sometimes even just sitting up. For the past week, anything but laying down and sleeping about half the time, has just not been an option. The doctors have been doing all kinds of tests on me. But they havn't told me any results yet. Then the other day, I was talking to a good friend from work, because I was missing our daily lunch group for the 3rd time. She asked what was going on and I explained some of the symptoms. She then told me that I should look into pots syndrome (postural orthostatic tachycardia syndrome) she had a sister who was getting treated for it for free at a place that is studying it.
I began to read up on pots, and realized that not only was I 99% sure this is what I have, but my mom has lived for 30 years with pots. She has managed to push through, and so will I. Her life gives me hope. People have thought she was lazy or that most of the illness was in her head, because no doctor could figure it out. But this is real. Pots is a real disease that many people suffer from, but many doctors know nothing about. It has only been fairly well known what it is for 10 or 15 years.

I have pots. But I will get better. My God is a God of miracles, and I know that with Him, all things are possible. I can beat this. I am not alone in my fight. I have my family, my adopted sister, my friends, good people who have been going through pots themselves who are always willing to talk and help me, and I have my God. I will get better. I will be able to live a normal life. Getting to the point I want to be at will not be easy, or short. But it will be worth it. Life is about the journey, and sick or not, I plan to make it a great one.